On November 6th I recived word that Chris's mother Joy had passed away and has now joined her son in Heaven. these two wonderful people are were everything to me and my Guides in Life so now I have their words their Love and their Joy left to guide me through life no one said it would be easy and even from heaven their hearts reach out to me so now the memories of Chris which normally always involved his mother Joy anyways are more meaningful on here and to me will always be cherished so I wanted to share some things from going to her funeral well her celebration of life.
When I arrived in Oregan yesterday I had not really cried since getting the news about Joy and thought I was on my way to healing well truth be told I really was only fooling myself thinking she was just going to pop out and say suprise. Not until I really got here and stood in front and looked at her in her casket did it sink in that Joy was gone and in Heaven they asked me to write a short Eulogy and short bit to say about her I did what I felt and I know that would have made her happy so now as I find my path of healing and looking towards the future.
Joy's Eulogy and Final words To everyone that knew Joy she was who her named said she was full of joyful hope and wonderful smiles. I met Joy 24 years ago when I went to dance class with her son Christopher. Chris and I were automatic friends and dance partners and when my own parents could not support me in dance Joy took it all over and made sure I was in dance classes with Chris she was a true angel and a second mother to me when her son died nearly 11 years ago she was not bitter or even shut down she took and mustered all her strength and stayed by my side with me and helped me through healing physically and emotionally and for that I will forever be grateful to me Joy was an angel on this earth. Joy was strong for those that needed it and made sure you always knew you had someone that loved you she lived by a great strong quote that God will never give us an obstacle in our lives he does not believe we have the strength to over come so to her no matter how hard life became it could be overcome. So as sad as it may seem now that she is no longer in our lives she now watches us from heaven and I know still wishes us happiness and strength. I also know she would want us to always remember her for her happiness and wisdom and to live life to its fullest. So as we all say our final goodbyes to Joy may we always remember her beauty inside and her wonderful smile that graced all of us in our lives.
After the Celebration of Life I went to her good friends home who helped me get down to Oregan and she had a box and a letter that Joy wanted me to have knowing what was in it would mean a lot and the letter was an eye opener and brought me to tears for many reasons her words will always be there to guide me that will never be questioned
December 26, 2007
My Sweetest Jennifer,
It has now been 10 years since that devastating day and I feel that I need to write this letter to you I do hope you will not receive this letter with this box. If you are reading this Letter I have passed into heaven and are still having a rough time for this I am sorry for leaving you so soon but know this my Love for you will never change and I have faith in the strength in your heart even if you have not found it yet. Your heart is Pure and I know you will make it through life and make the best of your life Chris was always right you are an Angel and I have been blessed to have you in my life
I feel there are some things I need to write out and make sure you know some day. Some of these are hard on me and I did not have the strength to tell you in person because I feared you still so fragile. First the one thing I never told you the whole truth about the crash I did not think your heart could handle it was already hard enough on you. I told you Chris died on the scene from his injuries that is not true you both were taken to the hospital he was awake and you were the one they did not think would live the shock of the crash was so much on your small body. It is true that Chris refused to let you go and they had to pry his arms off of you to get you both to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital and went and saw him he was about to go into surgery and they were trying to restart your heart. Chris kept begging and praying for you to live he was a mess he refused to go to surgery till you were stable he wanted to make sure you were going to live and kept telling me that you could not die he loved you to much that it would not be fair for you to die. Unfortunately by the time they had you stable and he was content and happy you would live he had bled out to much and did not make it and the last thing he told me was he loved me and thanked me for being the most wonderful mother and make sure I reminded you how much he loved you and never would stop. I know hearing this must break your heart but I also know it is something you needed to know and I should have told you long ago.
Ever since that day part of me never forgave myself for not forcing him into surgery but that look in his eyes I could not bare to break his heart. I have forgiven myself recently it was what he wanted and wished he told me when you two grew old together he would have wanted to be the first one to go cause he could not bare losing you first. So much has happened since the crash and I have seen you fight and climb to become whole and I am so proud of you for over coming so much in your life but I do not see that same shine that you had when you were around Chris I have only began to see it again when you dance. I feel sorry for those who meet you now and do not get to see that full wonderful sunshine you have inside you even though you shine brighter then anyone I know still please believe me I see you shine and grow everyday but it is not the same and I do hope you find a way to bring that back out into this world for that was one reason Chris called you his Angel and inspiration.
You are a true pure soul and I know and have seen your sadness from feeling alone and forgotten and confused and I do pray for you to find your path. You have become my path and light so many times even if you do not realize it ever since I first met you when you were two and when Chris refused to not be around you. What I saw in you was more then some two year old who would not stand still but a two year old who had so much to offer and so much hope and desire you had so much love in you. When I first took Chris to dance part of me was still morning over not being able to have children anymore and I did desire a daughter so much I never in a million years imagined I would find someone that filled that void and you did you filled that missing part of my heart you are still as much of a daughter to me as Chris is my son and I love you so much and I pray you will never forget that even though I have moved away and no longer live in Alaska.
I know life can seem rough especially right now I hear the struggle in your voice and again and I know you feel alone and forgotten and invisible like no one sees you. I know that is tough on you and must make you miss Chris more. I have faith that God will not leave you alone in this world you have such a golden beautiful heart for that to happen someone exists out there I know there must be I know no one will fill that place that Chris took but I also know you have accepted that and understand he watches over you as an angel as will I please do not lose hope even if life seems so hard and you feel so lost do not forget that you have the strength inside you to make it through. You are a true rare Gem and someone will see that one day so trust me you are not invisible just because you are different you are not forgotten there is always someone thinking about you and know you will never be alone I know you feel like that because you feel damaged and scared and you feel you have failed but you have not please trust your heart for it would break my heart to know someone as wonderful as you loses hope. Believe in Love it still exists believe in yourself my dear you have a lot to offer this world and to offer someone else who sees the beauty Love hope and purity I always see in you and know you will happily offer that right person. Just remind them to wear sunglasses around you so you do not blind them. I bet that got a smile out of you now remember that feeling and never forget it.
Well I soppose I should close this letter in the box are many things I had of Chris that I would want you to have. Jennifer from the bottom of my heart I do Love you and wish you all the happiness and joy life can offer and know I will be right by your side through everything even if not on this earth anymore as another angel. Be well my dear and cherish every moment.
All my Love
Joy
