Time

well it has been a while since I posted anything about my memories of Chris mostly because I was doing what he would want me to do and that is to dance which I did I performed in a new Nutcracker it was a whole well huge undertaking on my body but all that pain was worth it to be on stage again. I also have been trying to just survive the remander of the year I am glad this year is gone. I did find myself feeling a bit more sad then normal on the 26th mostly because this is when I would call Joy and talk to her and just reminisis about Chris. and just stare outside and look at the ice Crystals and the beautiful Alaska Winter cold Alaska winter but still beautiful and like I Always do I play our favorite song and just sit there and imagine him dancing with me again and again. I do pray this year of 2009 becomes smoother last year I think was a year that was harder to accept at times with out Chris though I would find myself thinking about what Chris would say about this and that and do anything to make me happy. As I grapple this new year I also grapple a question Do I or dont I open the box Joy left me that is full of memeories and secrets.

Hope of Joy

On November 6th I recived word that Chris's mother Joy had passed away and has now joined her son in Heaven. these two wonderful people are were everything to me and my Guides in Life so now I have their words their Love and their Joy left to guide me through life no one said it would be easy and even from heaven their hearts reach out to me so now the memories of Chris which normally always involved his mother Joy anyways are more meaningful on here and to me will always be cherished so I wanted to share some things from going to her funeral well her celebration of life.

When I arrived in Oregan yesterday I had not really cried since getting the news about Joy and thought I was on my way to healing well truth be told I really was only fooling myself thinking she was just going to pop out and say suprise. Not until I really got here and stood in front and looked at her in her casket did it sink in that Joy was gone and in Heaven they asked me to write a short Eulogy and short bit to say about her I did what I felt and I know that would have made her happy so now as I find my path of healing and looking towards the future.

Joy's Eulogy and Final words To everyone that knew Joy she was who her named said she was full of joyful hope and wonderful smiles. I met Joy 24 years ago when I went to dance class with her son Christopher. Chris and I were automatic friends and dance partners and when my own parents could not support me in dance Joy took it all over and made sure I was in dance classes with Chris she was a true angel and a second mother to me when her son died nearly 11 years ago she was not bitter or even shut down she took and mustered all her strength and stayed by my side with me and helped me through healing physically and emotionally and for that I will forever be grateful to me Joy was an angel on this earth. Joy was strong for those that needed it and made sure you always knew you had someone that loved you she lived by a great strong quote that God will never give us an obstacle in our lives he does not believe we have the strength to over come so to her no matter how hard life became it could be overcome. So as sad as it may seem now that she is no longer in our lives she now watches us from heaven and I know still wishes us happiness and strength. I also know she would want us to always remember her for her happiness and wisdom and to live life to its fullest. So as we all say our final goodbyes to Joy may we always remember her beauty inside and her wonderful smile that graced all of us in our lives.

After the Celebration of Life I went to her good friends home who helped me get down to Oregan and she had a box and a letter that Joy wanted me to have knowing what was in it would mean a lot and the letter was an eye opener and brought me to tears for many reasons her words will always be there to guide me that will never be questioned

December 26, 2007

My Sweetest Jennifer,

It has now been 10 years since that devastating day and I feel that I need to write this letter to you I do hope you will not receive this letter with this box. If you are reading this Letter I have passed into heaven and are still having a rough time for this I am sorry for leaving you so soon but know this my Love for you will never change and I have faith in the strength in your heart even if you have not found it yet. Your heart is Pure and I know you will make it through life and make the best of your life Chris was always right you are an Angel and I have been blessed to have you in my life

I feel there are some things I need to write out and make sure you know some day. Some of these are hard on me and I did not have the strength to tell you in person because I feared you still so fragile. First the one thing I never told you the whole truth about the crash I did not think your heart could handle it was already hard enough on you. I told you Chris died on the scene from his injuries that is not true you both were taken to the hospital he was awake and you were the one they did not think would live the shock of the crash was so much on your small body. It is true that Chris refused to let you go and they had to pry his arms off of you to get you both to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital and went and saw him he was about to go into surgery and they were trying to restart your heart. Chris kept begging and praying for you to live he was a mess he refused to go to surgery till you were stable he wanted to make sure you were going to live and kept telling me that you could not die he loved you to much that it would not be fair for you to die. Unfortunately by the time they had you stable and he was content and happy you would live he had bled out to much and did not make it and the last thing he told me was he loved me and thanked me for being the most wonderful mother and make sure I reminded you how much he loved you and never would stop. I know hearing this must break your heart but I also know it is something you needed to know and I should have told you long ago.

Ever since that day part of me never forgave myself for not forcing him into surgery but that look in his eyes I could not bare to break his heart. I have forgiven myself recently it was what he wanted and wished he told me when you two grew old together he would have wanted to be the first one to go cause he could not bare losing you first. So much has happened since the crash and I have seen you fight and climb to become whole and I am so proud of you for over coming so much in your life but I do not see that same shine that you had when you were around Chris I have only began to see it again when you dance. I feel sorry for those who meet you now and do not get to see that full wonderful sunshine you have inside you even though you shine brighter then anyone I know still please believe me I see you shine and grow everyday but it is not the same and I do hope you find a way to bring that back out into this world for that was one reason Chris called you his Angel and inspiration.

You are a true pure soul and I know and have seen your sadness from feeling alone and forgotten and confused and I do pray for you to find your path. You have become my path and light so many times even if you do not realize it ever since I first met you when you were two and when Chris refused to not be around you. What I saw in you was more then some two year old who would not stand still but a two year old who had so much to offer and so much hope and desire you had so much love in you. When I first took Chris to dance part of me was still morning over not being able to have children anymore and I did desire a daughter so much I never in a million years imagined I would find someone that filled that void and you did you filled that missing part of my heart you are still as much of a daughter to me as Chris is my son and I love you so much and I pray you will never forget that even though I have moved away and no longer live in Alaska.

I know life can seem rough especially right now I hear the struggle in your voice and again and I know you feel alone and forgotten and invisible like no one sees you. I know that is tough on you and must make you miss Chris more. I have faith that God will not leave you alone in this world you have such a golden beautiful heart for that to happen someone exists out there I know there must be I know no one will fill that place that Chris took but I also know you have accepted that and understand he watches over you as an angel as will I please do not lose hope even if life seems so hard and you feel so lost do not forget that you have the strength inside you to make it through. You are a true rare Gem and someone will see that one day so trust me you are not invisible just because you are different you are not forgotten there is always someone thinking about you and know you will never be alone I know you feel like that because you feel damaged and scared and you feel you have failed but you have not please trust your heart for it would break my heart to know someone as wonderful as you loses hope. Believe in Love it still exists believe in yourself my dear you have a lot to offer this world and to offer someone else who sees the beauty Love hope and purity I always see in you and know you will happily offer that right person. Just remind them to wear sunglasses around you so you do not blind them. I bet that got a smile out of you now remember that feeling and never forget it.

Well I soppose I should close this letter in the box are many things I had of Chris that I would want you to have. Jennifer from the bottom of my heart I do Love you and wish you all the happiness and joy life can offer and know I will be right by your side through everything even if not on this earth anymore as another angel. Be well my dear and cherish every moment.

All my Love

Joy

Invisable Ghost meets warm hearted Dancer

Today I find myself feeling like I used to way back in Middle School everyone was dressed up having fun a blast and a half everyone wishing Happy Halloween to everyone and me well I got ran into knocked down and told oh didnt see you there and ignored a lot I really have never liked feeling like this and hate I feel this way again but this time with no happy ending in site to the day back in Middle school really back anytime I was feeling ignored and not good enough and being told that I had Chris and on this perticular Halloween while my brother my mom and dad everyone had their own thing I was home alone handing out candy and just being alone I had not called Chris because I knew his family had a huge Halloween bash they held and i had told him not to worry about me I had tons of plans ( I didnt but I refused to let him feel bad for me) well near the end of the night I got a last knock at the door and it was Chris and he said he heard there was a ghost that floated around here that probebly needed some company and he had a hand full of our favorite movies to watch at Halloween I could always trust him to be there for me as a Dance partner and a friend and to always make me feel better and I think of him when I am feeling that way such as today and this is a day I really miss his warm hugs that seemed to just make everything better and make me feel like I was not invisable at all

A Smile is a terrible thing to waste

Today I have found myself feeling kindof down and I got to thinking about one time when I was really wondering if my path in dance was right for me

I had been through the pressures from one slave driver Ballet teacher Michelangello and his constant lashing of your not perfect talks he had driven me to becoming bulimic and Anorexic I was starting to acctually hate going to Ballet class because of him he came from the east coast and so even when I was under weight I was still " A Big Bucket of Lard" to him this was the first time I had really thought about giving up on my Ballet, I mean he loved Chris adored him and begged him to get a new partner.

But Chris would not Have it I was his partner through thick and thin and he told Michelangello that if this was the way to being the best we could be then we were not going to have it and we were going to take the slower road then and he picked me up ( I was sitting on the ground and crying that day cause of all his yelling at me) and he walked out with me and I asked Chris while we waited outside for his mom why he would give up the chance of a life time and he told me there is no chance of a life time unless I am dancing with you. I told him that he shouldnt give something up because of me and he assured me he was not because I was his dance partner and that I had something that no other girl could give him and I asked him what was that and he told me a smile that is the sun shine through the gray rain clouds to which I blushed and he said to me you are that rare beautiful rainbow that appears that no amount of rain can take away. Well needless to say we never went back to Michelangello ever again Chris like he always could made me smile

Who Chris was to me

Who was Chris besides the best Ballet partner to walk this planet

Chris was born on April 4th the same day as me 4 minutes before me in the same hospital we did not meet each other till we were two and from there we were inseperable in and out of dance class.

Chris was very athletic and for that his father wanted him to play football but he loved to dance more then Football Chris had a very supportive wonderful mother someone I called mother for how much time I spent with him and over at their house as we grew up and our friendship grew he became my confidant and support system no matter how bad I felt about myself or my day or a performance he made me feel so much better after wards his words and hugs were golden and as time went on he became my first Love and my first kiss i trusted him more then anyone in the world I knew no matter what was going on he was there to catch me and be my Knight on a white steed to take me away from the screaming and yelling.

Chris became more to me then I could ever imagine and I could not have thought of spending my life with anyone else then Chris he was not only an amamzing dancer but an amamzing friend and amazing student and amamzing boyfriend he even took me to his church with him to get purity rings for the both of us and we had both swore and promised to remain pure and stay virgins until we were wed at age 25 we had our lives planned out and I think no I know if dancing had fallen through for us that was not going to be the end we had so much respect and love for each other and I know many times I wondered how I managed to gain a friend like him and thanked god every day for the blessing of having him in my life.

Even though Chris has passed on I know he watchs over me as my guardian angel still giving me stregth to go on and not ever give up and to still dance and I know when I let the snow dance down my cheeks I know when I still dance out in the snow or in the studio he is still there with me.

Chris is someone I will never forget nor will I ever regret anything he never would have wanted me to even though I lost him I would not regret and change anything it was how it was soppose to be and I know no matter what he will always loved me and I shall always hold a very special spot in my heart for him and part of me will never stop loving him even when I marry some day No matter how old I get no matter how hard times may seem I know I always have my sweet memeories and times spent with him to give me streagth to move on through my day and make it to another.

Last Snowfall

As many may have guessed Chris my angel my best friend my First Love is no longer with me and I am not going to put the saddness I felt on the day I lost him but the feelings and all the wonderful smiles we shared before I lost him on that day

It was December 26th day after Christmas we were off to go to our going away party in Seward we both had made it into American Ballet theater and asked to start as soloist we impressed the school that much this was a huge honor for us both. Chris Uncle was driving us and we were in the back of the car suitcases already there and he like always was sitting right beside me holding me tickling me laughing his Uncle teased him about how he would always say I am going to marry Jennifer one day and he said well I asked her and she agreed ( that is a whole other sweet memory) So there we were 15 and on top of our game nothing could bring us down we were laughing about bloobers and mishaps on the stage we had stopped at Beluga point for no reason but it has started to snow and he wanted to dance so we left the car and started to dance in the snow things were so quite when we danced we could not hear a single thing not even passing cars all we heard were the crashing waves and when I laid my head on his chest I could hear his heart beat it was a cold night but in his arms there was nothing but warmth.

Chris shared something with me that night to almost make me wonder now if he knew what would happen but while we listened to the waves and danced he tilted my head up and kissed me and looked deep in my eyes and told me that he could not imagine a life with out his angel and that he hoped that heaven would not choose to take me before him because his life would feel so empty with out me ( to a 15 year old it seemed silly I mean we were 15 death was no where near in our minds) well it was touching and I just did as he called it cute giggle and smiled and he said this world is blessed with you my angel please never forget that and if we do not stay together through this all and do someday take our seperate ways please remember I will always love you no matter what. I looked at him strange this was pretty deep and I told him I know I would always have him and he said I am serious be us across country different continients or in different lovers arms I will always be there and if we do not wed I will be there at your wedding nothing would make me miss that I told him I would hope not since he is soppose to be the groom.

We finished dancing one more dance and he took me to the car opening the door and we got in and cuddled as we drove on to Seward. We were laughing so much and imaging how it would be to dance for American Ballet Theater and enroll in a real full time Ballet school it was going to be so much different then Alaska though we were going to miss Alaska Greatly.

The moments before I lost Chris to the drunk Driver knowing we were going to be hit I remember and will always remember looking in his eyes and feeling safe and content his arms around me holding me protecting me his eyes were filled with such love such hope and warmth compassion devotion I didnt feel fear in those moments but Love and warmth.

First Snowfall

As the Snow falls from the sky today it reminds me of one of the many sweet moments I had shared with Chris it was one thing to go out and play in the snow which we did every year it was another to do what he did one night.

I was on the phone with him like always and he knew every little bit of difference in my voice and could tell something was bothering me that one night and asked me what it was and it was the norm my parents were fighting again my father was drunk. I had locked myself in my room I hated to hear them fight. Chris could tell I had been crying too well he told me he wanted me to close my eyes and imagine us dancing and to turn on one of our favorite songs and just ignore the yelling and imagine us dancing. well we had hung up and I was listening to my music and imaging us dancing when I heard a knock at my deck door ( I was lucky my room was the one with a deck attatched) and when I opened my eyes and looked there was Chris standing on my Deck!!!!! I quickly got up and opened the door and asked him what he was doing on my deck and he said he came because he didnt want his angel to cry. Well I smiled and asked how he got on my deck and he replied I would scale the highest peaks to get to you. he had paused a moment and said I used my dads latter. Well it has started to Snow heavily outside and he had coaxed me out there with my bare feet and all outside and he then went over the edge and yelled down to his mom turn it on please and she had turned on some music and we started to slow dance and I will always remember how warm his arms were around me and how protective they felt to he always came to my rescue and I think this was the first time I realized that we were more then just friends there was more to us to the realtionship that grew more and more.

To this day when I see if snowing really hard I remember that dance and the many times we did that again making it a tradition to go and dance in the snow and just enjoy the gentle serene calm that comes with it.