Invisable Ghost meets warm hearted Dancer

Today I find myself feeling like I used to way back in Middle School everyone was dressed up having fun a blast and a half everyone wishing Happy Halloween to everyone and me well I got ran into knocked down and told oh didnt see you there and ignored a lot I really have never liked feeling like this and hate I feel this way again but this time with no happy ending in site to the day back in Middle school really back anytime I was feeling ignored and not good enough and being told that I had Chris and on this perticular Halloween while my brother my mom and dad everyone had their own thing I was home alone handing out candy and just being alone I had not called Chris because I knew his family had a huge Halloween bash they held and i had told him not to worry about me I had tons of plans ( I didnt but I refused to let him feel bad for me) well near the end of the night I got a last knock at the door and it was Chris and he said he heard there was a ghost that floated around here that probebly needed some company and he had a hand full of our favorite movies to watch at Halloween I could always trust him to be there for me as a Dance partner and a friend and to always make me feel better and I think of him when I am feeling that way such as today and this is a day I really miss his warm hugs that seemed to just make everything better and make me feel like I was not invisable at all

A Smile is a terrible thing to waste

Today I have found myself feeling kindof down and I got to thinking about one time when I was really wondering if my path in dance was right for me

I had been through the pressures from one slave driver Ballet teacher Michelangello and his constant lashing of your not perfect talks he had driven me to becoming bulimic and Anorexic I was starting to acctually hate going to Ballet class because of him he came from the east coast and so even when I was under weight I was still " A Big Bucket of Lard" to him this was the first time I had really thought about giving up on my Ballet, I mean he loved Chris adored him and begged him to get a new partner.

But Chris would not Have it I was his partner through thick and thin and he told Michelangello that if this was the way to being the best we could be then we were not going to have it and we were going to take the slower road then and he picked me up ( I was sitting on the ground and crying that day cause of all his yelling at me) and he walked out with me and I asked Chris while we waited outside for his mom why he would give up the chance of a life time and he told me there is no chance of a life time unless I am dancing with you. I told him that he shouldnt give something up because of me and he assured me he was not because I was his dance partner and that I had something that no other girl could give him and I asked him what was that and he told me a smile that is the sun shine through the gray rain clouds to which I blushed and he said to me you are that rare beautiful rainbow that appears that no amount of rain can take away. Well needless to say we never went back to Michelangello ever again Chris like he always could made me smile

Who Chris was to me

Who was Chris besides the best Ballet partner to walk this planet

Chris was born on April 4th the same day as me 4 minutes before me in the same hospital we did not meet each other till we were two and from there we were inseperable in and out of dance class.

Chris was very athletic and for that his father wanted him to play football but he loved to dance more then Football Chris had a very supportive wonderful mother someone I called mother for how much time I spent with him and over at their house as we grew up and our friendship grew he became my confidant and support system no matter how bad I felt about myself or my day or a performance he made me feel so much better after wards his words and hugs were golden and as time went on he became my first Love and my first kiss i trusted him more then anyone in the world I knew no matter what was going on he was there to catch me and be my Knight on a white steed to take me away from the screaming and yelling.

Chris became more to me then I could ever imagine and I could not have thought of spending my life with anyone else then Chris he was not only an amamzing dancer but an amamzing friend and amazing student and amamzing boyfriend he even took me to his church with him to get purity rings for the both of us and we had both swore and promised to remain pure and stay virgins until we were wed at age 25 we had our lives planned out and I think no I know if dancing had fallen through for us that was not going to be the end we had so much respect and love for each other and I know many times I wondered how I managed to gain a friend like him and thanked god every day for the blessing of having him in my life.

Even though Chris has passed on I know he watchs over me as my guardian angel still giving me stregth to go on and not ever give up and to still dance and I know when I let the snow dance down my cheeks I know when I still dance out in the snow or in the studio he is still there with me.

Chris is someone I will never forget nor will I ever regret anything he never would have wanted me to even though I lost him I would not regret and change anything it was how it was soppose to be and I know no matter what he will always loved me and I shall always hold a very special spot in my heart for him and part of me will never stop loving him even when I marry some day No matter how old I get no matter how hard times may seem I know I always have my sweet memeories and times spent with him to give me streagth to move on through my day and make it to another.

Last Snowfall

As many may have guessed Chris my angel my best friend my First Love is no longer with me and I am not going to put the saddness I felt on the day I lost him but the feelings and all the wonderful smiles we shared before I lost him on that day

It was December 26th day after Christmas we were off to go to our going away party in Seward we both had made it into American Ballet theater and asked to start as soloist we impressed the school that much this was a huge honor for us both. Chris Uncle was driving us and we were in the back of the car suitcases already there and he like always was sitting right beside me holding me tickling me laughing his Uncle teased him about how he would always say I am going to marry Jennifer one day and he said well I asked her and she agreed ( that is a whole other sweet memory) So there we were 15 and on top of our game nothing could bring us down we were laughing about bloobers and mishaps on the stage we had stopped at Beluga point for no reason but it has started to snow and he wanted to dance so we left the car and started to dance in the snow things were so quite when we danced we could not hear a single thing not even passing cars all we heard were the crashing waves and when I laid my head on his chest I could hear his heart beat it was a cold night but in his arms there was nothing but warmth.

Chris shared something with me that night to almost make me wonder now if he knew what would happen but while we listened to the waves and danced he tilted my head up and kissed me and looked deep in my eyes and told me that he could not imagine a life with out his angel and that he hoped that heaven would not choose to take me before him because his life would feel so empty with out me ( to a 15 year old it seemed silly I mean we were 15 death was no where near in our minds) well it was touching and I just did as he called it cute giggle and smiled and he said this world is blessed with you my angel please never forget that and if we do not stay together through this all and do someday take our seperate ways please remember I will always love you no matter what. I looked at him strange this was pretty deep and I told him I know I would always have him and he said I am serious be us across country different continients or in different lovers arms I will always be there and if we do not wed I will be there at your wedding nothing would make me miss that I told him I would hope not since he is soppose to be the groom.

We finished dancing one more dance and he took me to the car opening the door and we got in and cuddled as we drove on to Seward. We were laughing so much and imaging how it would be to dance for American Ballet Theater and enroll in a real full time Ballet school it was going to be so much different then Alaska though we were going to miss Alaska Greatly.

The moments before I lost Chris to the drunk Driver knowing we were going to be hit I remember and will always remember looking in his eyes and feeling safe and content his arms around me holding me protecting me his eyes were filled with such love such hope and warmth compassion devotion I didnt feel fear in those moments but Love and warmth.

First Snowfall

As the Snow falls from the sky today it reminds me of one of the many sweet moments I had shared with Chris it was one thing to go out and play in the snow which we did every year it was another to do what he did one night.

I was on the phone with him like always and he knew every little bit of difference in my voice and could tell something was bothering me that one night and asked me what it was and it was the norm my parents were fighting again my father was drunk. I had locked myself in my room I hated to hear them fight. Chris could tell I had been crying too well he told me he wanted me to close my eyes and imagine us dancing and to turn on one of our favorite songs and just ignore the yelling and imagine us dancing. well we had hung up and I was listening to my music and imaging us dancing when I heard a knock at my deck door ( I was lucky my room was the one with a deck attatched) and when I opened my eyes and looked there was Chris standing on my Deck!!!!! I quickly got up and opened the door and asked him what he was doing on my deck and he said he came because he didnt want his angel to cry. Well I smiled and asked how he got on my deck and he replied I would scale the highest peaks to get to you. he had paused a moment and said I used my dads latter. Well it has started to Snow heavily outside and he had coaxed me out there with my bare feet and all outside and he then went over the edge and yelled down to his mom turn it on please and she had turned on some music and we started to slow dance and I will always remember how warm his arms were around me and how protective they felt to he always came to my rescue and I think this was the first time I realized that we were more then just friends there was more to us to the realtionship that grew more and more.

To this day when I see if snowing really hard I remember that dance and the many times we did that again making it a tradition to go and dance in the snow and just enjoy the gentle serene calm that comes with it.

Destinies Meeting

I do not remember all things some are memories of being told what happened from Chris's mother. So to start the one of our first meeting

My Mother originally put me in Ballet to get me to use up my energy and to sit still that and maybe just maybe learn to be gracful and not a clutz I was a handful always on the go more then even my brother he was the quiet one. My Mother never imagined I would enjoy Ballet and want to stay with it. My first day of class at 2 years old I was one of the youngest there most everyone else was 2 and a half and three but I was excited I do remember that much. We warmed up and did some jumping about and then we were to be partnered up and I remember everyone running to their friends and I looked about from sitting on the floor I must have fallen and then their was Chris he extended a hand to me and we were partners that one moment made us partners that day and for all of Dance we never parted after that day.

Chris and I shared the same birthday so we were exactally the same age his mother said she saw a connection right away and after class he kept a hold of my hand and walked me over to his mother and said Mommy I like this girl I want to keep her his mother told me he never let go of my hand till my mother came and got me and didnt want to let go and even cried a bit when I left but when dance class came around again he ran right to me and was always near me always my partner he was my protective partner and that never stopped I was his angel as his mother said he would call me asking her if I was an angel he even went as far as telling his mom I was his girl

Dancers Entrance

Hello to everyone I have decided to write this Blog not of everyday occurances but of what used to be for me my memeoires of my Beloved dance Partner Chris. Chris was a one of a kind gentleman, dance Partner, best Friend and also the first person I had a true admiration for and Love and that was not just because he would tell his mother since he was 2 we were going to get married one day. I decided that this would be a fitting place to post the beautiful and soemtiems off the wall memories that I think of through the days so that those that did not know him may get a glimpse of how much of a gem and Angel he was.